And Another Thing: The Mop-Up Nitro (Part I) 09.17.02
Posted by Hyatte on 09.17.2002
A look back at five years of Nitro... and the evolution of a douchebag
I thought about a long winded intro... then decided f-it, let's just run the damn thing.
What you are looking at is part one of a three part retrospective of how I became known in these web circles. I spent a few weeks pouring over every Mop-Up I have (many were lost in the great crash of 2000) and pulling up the funniest parts. Well... sort of.
This is the Nitro stuff... the Raw part is posted in a different column. You'll note that the first few dozen lines don't seem very funny, or even smile-worthy. Relax, I got more confident as I went ahead. As I got more confident, the asshole started to show up. Hell, I didn't even bash my first web guy until the 60th column.
So, here's part one, from 1997 to...looks like 1999. If you want workrate, go f*ck yourself. There ain't any to be found here.
This is the only time I'll EVER do this, so savor it. You newcomers might get a sense of how I got my rep. You old timers can finally enjoy some great shit that Scoops had since dumped out. Or, you may get bored out of your shorts and ignore it. No problem.
Last thing... everything you are about to read was uncharted territory on the web. Everything you read was brand new back then... now it's business as usual on the web.
WASTING MY LIFE!!!!
-IF I was at the WCW show, I would have started the cup bombardment as soon as that punk, Shawn Michaels wannabe Chris (I have long blonde hair and use a superkick) Jericho beat Syxx for the Cruiserweight (and BTW, isn't Jericho a little bit too heavy to be a Cruiserweight?!?), but I guess everyone needs a push now and again.
-Syxx and Jericho were still being pulled apart when Gene interviewed Alex Wright. Wright bitched and moaned about how WCW has been keeping him down because he is GERMAN!!!!, (funny, I thought wrestling only kept black folks down?)
-Gene interviews Rey Misterio Jr. Rey is tired of being assaulted by Kevin Nash. He said that he was pushed into a trailer, to which Gene added, "like a dart!" After he reminded Gene that he was Jackknifed by Nash as well, Gene replied, "I don't know how you walked away from that one." HE DIDN"T GENE...YOU MORON
-Buff, Norton, and Chono hit the ring for a match, (Vicious & Delicious &...Confucius?)
-Flair and Buff kick it off. Flair tags off to Mongo who steps in the ring, HUGE SH&% EATING grin on his face as he asks, "You want some of Mongo?" I don't care..when a wrestler is having fun, I like him, and dammit, I like Mongo..to hell with you.
-Mortis and Adam Bomb in a tag with High Voltage. I go water my plants. I come back in time to see James Vandenburg promise that Glacier will pay. Figure it out.
-The WWF is on USA and used to be on NBC and MTV, but never on ABC, CBS, or TNT, which has WCW, which used to be the NWA which was on TBS, which used to also have the UWF, but not the federation run by Paul E, who used to manage the SST and discovered PE, and who called the federation ECW, which gave us the BWO as well as the FBI, whose members used to be in the USWA, which had MOM and PG13, who were members of the NOD, who never hired JYD, but fired Crush, who formed DOA, who will probably fight LOD, who broke the neck of HOG, and who briefly wrestled along with Koko B., who was once a PYT, for the AWF, AKA: WOW, which was started by Jim Brunzell, who was once a Killer BEE, and wrestled in the AWA, which was on ESPN, which never featured GLOW, which is MIA along with AA, who used the DDT, not to be confused with DDP, who has probably fought VK Wallstreet, who was once IRS, who never teamed with HBK, last seen at the KOTR on PPV, but wanted to be at the GAB and the upcoming BAB, with his friend Nash, who used to be BDC, who didn't join the DOD, but formed the NWO with Syxx, who used to be a Kid called 123, who was part of the KLIQ with HHH, who fought on SSN against the UT, who always gets a big POP, though he has never used the STF, but likes to say RIP, which is something we can soon say about the UFC. You see? Makes sense to me. Try to say it all in one breathe.
-I guess I am starting to pick up some steam here because I have started to get some criticism... only four people so far. The critics fell into two categories: they were offended over something I said or they didn't like my writing style. As I said, I welcome all criticism, so long as you understand that I will defend myself,
-One more thing, I would like to give a shout out to my readers outside the USA Over the last few weeks, I have gotten letters from folks in Canada, England, Australia, Germany, and Belgium. Let me tell you, these folks are super friendly and I am happy to give them their Nitro fix
-Schiavone states that every television show in the world as well as every newspaper in the Galaxy will be talking about the Rodman/Hogan match at BAB (Yeah, I'm sure the "Mommies" will be all over it come Monday)
-On the Road with Lee Marshall. Marshall claims that he is at a special "Disney Nitro Party" (betcha that means that the hookers he picked up were dressed liked Snow White!)
-Schiavone talks up the fact that Benoit may be no more after his "retirement" match Sunday with Kevin Sullivan, (as if WCW will ever let this talent go...when you have someone as talented as Benoit, you keep him wrestling, Dammit...just look at Stin...wait a sec... forget I said anything).
-Schiavone once again mentions that the coverage of the Bash was so huge, that media from OTHER DIMENSIONS learned how to "slide" into our world and cover the event, (yessir folks..it was just that big)
-Okerlund interviews Curt Hennig. Curt trash talked DDP, he even called him a "mark", I wonder if anyone who doesn't own a computer knows what that means?
-Give-me-all-you-got-ta-Yuji-Nagata (think Styxx) comes to the ring to fight Dean Malenko. It's a wrestling clinic until Jeff Jarrett came down and punched out Dean Malenko. He also held down Malenko's FOOT, (if I live to be a thousand..I'll never understand how holding one's FOOT keeps a guy's shoulders pinned) as Yuji got the upset win.
-I'm telling ya' those NWO Maxi-pads are on their way
-Tony boasts that Piper has made 21 movies...can you name one that made a penny? Sorry kids, "They Live" was number 1 for about a week and still lost money...I checked.
-OH SH&%......Lock your doors people! Make sure the kids are in bed! Get your pets inside now! The VILLANOS ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Villano IV (Tough, but with a heart of gold) and V (the badass) come to the ring to KICK THE MOTHERLOVING CRAP OUT OF SOMEONE. During the match, Raven risks his very life by making an appearance....Obviously Raven chose to live another day by staying out the Villanos way. Even though they tried to switch off, Lizbien still scored an upset pin. Somewhere in Mexico City, Villano IX kicked his TV set in and made a phone call to the Mexico City Jail. You see, Villano XXIV is up for parole in about 3 months...and when he gets out......well, just pray for Lizmark, Jr........pray.
-Disco is one of the best jobbers going...right next to DDP (heehee)
-OKAY, OKAY, let's get this over with right now...Please E-Mail me if you have EVER THROWN, ATTENDED, HEARD OF, OR GOT DRUNK AT A REAL LIVE NITRO PARTY THAT DID NOT INCLUDE SPENDING HALF THE NIGHT WATCHING RAW. I mean a real Nitro Party, not just you and two friends...a REAL PARTY....I wait with bated breath
-Stevie Richards comes to the ring all smiles. His opponent, Damian, came to the ring all frowns..and even a little fear as he passed by Raven and gave him a wide berth. Raven jumped him anyway and DDT'ed him to the concrete, then tossed him into the ring. A confused Richards started to administer CPR and breath into his mouth until Raven told the idiot to pin the fool...Richards did so. Remember my list of dumb angles last week? Remember me throwing in the time Heenan tried to give CPR to Andre after Jake's snake gave him a "heart attack". Jake's snake was called Damian wasn't it? Stevie Richard's tried to give Damian CPR didn't he? AM I THE MAN OR WHAT?????
-I just have to say, I have been doing this column for 13 weeks (well, 12 really), and I hoped that I have proved to you all that I am a pretty fair guy..and definitely not a mark.
-Eddie Guerrero came out to jam with Rey Mysterio Jr. On his way to the ring, Rey pulled off his mask to reveal another mask underneath. To us Americans, that meant nothing...but to Mexico..it meant the DOWNFALL OF THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT AS WE KNOW IT!!!!!!! Shame on us...we're enjoying wrestling while TIJUANA IS BURNING DOWN IN FLAMES.
-During the match, the announcers chat about how WCW has GOT to get it together to face the NWO...(My GOD...IT'S THE SAME DAMN THING EVERY WEEK!!!!!! I JUST REALIZED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!).
-The match plays up to all the wrestlers strength, and it ends with a Harlem Heat (dressed in white..also to honor the Mother Teresa...Booker T called her, "One fine ho")
-Those Nitro Girls treat no one to an in-ring routine. Someone tell them that "In Living Color" was canceled a long time ago.
-You know if we, as human beings, were born without knees....Nash would lose half his arsenal.
-Little did Bruce know, by taking off the mask, Rey just signaled his amigos in Mexico and South America....don't expect any fresh coffee for the next few weeks...the SIGNAL TO BEGIN THE OVERTHROW OF JUAN VALDEZ'S PALACE HAS BEEN SENT!!!!!
-Hall called Zbyszko a JABRONY......what the hell is that?
Even though their team lost, neither Villano was pinned...so no one is going to die...but Juventud will get a visit from Villano XI (the PODIATRIST).
-Gene talks to Roddy Piper...who has a BIG announcement (lemme guess, he's gonna dig up the body of Adrian Adonis and put him in a haircut match with the Booty Man?)
-the second hour falls on us like swarm of mosquitoes on a bunch of tourists in the Everglades. I see a sign that says, "DIE SCOOPS DIE", which of course is German for "THE SCOOPS THE"..which I am sure is what the author was trying to say.....ahem.
-Lots of signs are shown..an anti WWF sign is quite prominently shown all night, but two signs grab my funny bone..."Hulk Hogan is a child molester" (or something like that), "I killed Steve Guttenberg" is another (ah, so that's what happened)).
-Raven is spotted in the seats, with Stevie Richards sitting behind him, allowing that old fart Mike Tenay to warble about how Raven represents Generation X...and as we all know, Gen X puts the blame on everyone but themselves. (Awww Mikey....whatEVER).
-A little "preview" as it were, of an upcoming multi-part report on the
history of Luche Libre....just what I need, a 12 part report on the evolution of La Parka.
-Tony and the boys make a big deal over just who El Caliente is, so I knew right then that there was something going on that wasn't exactly kosher. So, this Caliente puts on the mask that Mysterio took off. This may not seem like anything here in the states, but believe me...the Resistance Guerrillas in Mexico were at the edge of their seats. Instead of a normal match, this match now decided who would
take the mask and LEAD THEM TO FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-OH MY GOD????????? WHY IS STEVE AUSTIN IN WC.....oh forget it. His name is Bill Goldberg and he is a HELL of a lot bigger than Steve Austin. Tenay produces notes and fact about this Bill Goldberg (wouldn't it be funny if they called him STONE GOLDBERG?????????). He played pro football...that's about it. He is fighting the Barbarian by the way..he beats the Barbarian by the way. Mean Gene tried to talk to him by the way. He stormed away from Okerlund by the way. I'm not quite interested yet.........by the way. (and I catch a sign that says "Goldberg 3:16" by the way)
-God Help Me, I LIKE THE DISCO INFERNO!!!! He's got a funky way about him that my feminine side enjoys.
-Hogan bad mouths everyone who was ever born during the Carter Era one by one and then Bischoff gets to the real meat behind the interview..which is the upcoming debut of "Assault on Devil's Island" on TNT (Home of the New Classics).
-when did Public Enemy officially become the 90's version of the Bushwackers?
-Piper jumped on Bischoff and beat the HOLY HELL out of his leather jacket sleeve.
-Rey Mysterio comes out, and pulls off his mask,(it doesn't mean anything to you, but in reality, it was a sign to his guerrilla allies in Columbia to BEGIN THE CONQUEST OF THE DIAMOND MINES!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WAR RAGES ON AS WE SIT BACK AND EAT CHEETOHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(oh I don't know myself anymore).
-Ray Traylor, who will bring down the NWO ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!! comes down for a rematch with Scott Norton.
-What up dogs? I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. A weekly column where I carefully examine the events of last night's Nitro and Raw and then pretend to be cool by goofing on them.
-Bobby Heenan joins the fun as Tony reminds us that we are in the middle of the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Curt Hennig comes down to fight RAY TRAYLOR!!!! RAY PROMISED TO RAPE THE NWO OF ALL IT'S DIGNITY AND BE THE MAN TO FINALLY TAKE THEM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh boy, pray for the NWO..because this guy is RIP SNORTING AND READY TO LAY SOME MAJOR WASTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Maybe next week....he ended up spraypainted again.
-Uh oh...it's the Luchadors!! La Parka (back to white), Psychosis, and the Silver King hit the ring to take on Rey Mysterio, Juventud Guerrera, and Hector Garza. Rey doesn't take off his mask, but he does do a Muta-like spit of some water...not sure if he was sending a signal to the tattered remains of his Guerrilla army, many of whom are now officially the "bitches" of the great Villano XXVIII (the REAL Taskmaster). I'll look into it.
-Awwww ain't that cute. The Nitro Girls in their little santa outfits are doing a dance. Where's my gun?
-Mysterio pinned the Silver King and all was well in the homeland.
-You DO know that El Nino is on the payroll of the VILLANOS!! You knew that right?
-You know....Santa Claus is really Villano LVII (The Jolly one).
-By the way...the Easter Bunny is really the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ...
-Oh yeah, Tenay mentioned that later tonight will see the Nitro debut of a "former WWF tag team champion who has never wrestled before on WCW". (Oh no...TONY GAREA IS BACK TO FINALLY GET VENGENCE ON LARRY ZBYSKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...only the old timers will get that joke).
-Tony shows us still shots from Starrcade...building up the "fast count" conspiracy (the thing is IT WASN'T A FAST COUNT GODDAMMIT!!!!!! They are so desperate to copy the Survivor Series controversy that they openly ignoring our intelligence...does Bischoff REALLY think that we are a bunch of retards? I think he does!)
-Sadly, Rey's Guerrilla troops are no more...having been decimated in a skirmish in the El Durango hills. They were enjoying some Big Macs (El Macs Grande) when they were ambushed by Villanos XVII (War), XXIX (Plague), XXXIII (Pestilence) and XXXVI (Famine)...yes indeedy folks...Rey's people were overrun by none other than the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE VILLANOS!!!!!!!!! (I am SO running out of steam).
-Nitro opens with a dedication to "Law-enforcement officers across the country who have given their lives in the line of duty" in other words, Uncle Eric needs a speeding ticket fixed.
-Tony and the boys told us that they were wrong last week and that THIS week was most definitely the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Luger got punked by a girl....HA HA HAHA HAAAAAA wimp ass.
-Out comes Davey Boy Smith...who claimed to be happy to be "finally in the WCW!" (Uhhh, wasn't he there once before...like...only about 4 years ago???). He also informed Mongo that "football" is a game where men kick around a black and white round ball...and not this pads, passing, and scoring touchdowns crap. Mongo was enraged enough to challenge DBS to a match for later that night...DBS said that this dog will happily feast on Mongo's bone. I couldn't make that up if I tried...
-Wayne Bloom comes to the ring to take on Jim Neidhart....I'm still waiting on Tony's promise for some of the GREATEST WRESTLING ON THE PLANET!!!!!! Where is it Tony? Huh? Neidhart wins it after turning a top rope jump into a powerslam....for chrissakes.
-Chavo Guerrero Jr comes to the ring to take on Psychosis. Tony takes a second to remind us that this night....with nary a shadow of doubt in his mind...has GOT to be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Nash comes to the ring with a cup of coffee in hand. Who is he fighting again? I forget!
-Oh yeah...IT'S RAY TRAYLOR BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOAD UP THE VCR KIDS, THIS IS THE FIRST STEP IN THE FINAL DECIMATION OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW BEGINS THE TWO..TRAYLOR WORLD ORDER!!!! IT'S GOING TO BE A BLOODBATH!!!!!! NASH IS SO DEAD!!!!!!!!
-maybe next week. Nash throws the coffee in his eyes and Jackknifes Traylor about 4 seconds into it.
-Mean Gene gives a plug for a radio morning team named "John Boy and Billy"...I never heard them, but I already know that they are funnier than Mancow.
-Then Gene brings out Nick Patrick....he starts to compare his problems with Bill Clinton's....just replace "Monica Lewinsky" with "Juventud Guerrera" and it's the exact same thing.
-Tony claims that Nitro is the number one reason why kids don't do their homework...man, they take credit for EVERYTHING!! Watch Nitro and watch your cancer go into REMISSION!!!
-Just as Martel was about to put on the "Boston Lion Tamer who caught a case of Crabs in Quebec", the Flock interfered.
-Jericho and Guerrero took on Benoit and Malenko. The match started slow, but soon picked up to a real cool showing. Jericho tried to get in the "Lion from Quebec who is Tamed to carry a Crab from Boston", but eventually fell to the Texas Cloverleaf. Good match.
-Tony went melodramatic right off the bat. His exact words, and I quote, "MARCH 2, 1998 MAY GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE BIGGEST NIGHTS IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING"!!!!! (There are two responses to this: 1) "I thought Sting/Hogan at Starrcade had that honor?? YOU LIED TO US SCHIAVONE!!" and 2) "We know Tony....Tyson is on RAW! We can't wait either!!".....feel free to pick one....just don't hurt yourselves.)
-Of course, how could Tony follow up that statement? Easy, he simply told us to forget about EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER SAID BEFORE.....He has been wrong
for the last few months...the truth is that TONIGHT, without a shadow of doubt, in the minds of the Gods above, is most definitely the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and THIS time....he means it!
-The Artist Formally known as the Yeti....and then Ron Studd..comes to the ring under his brand spanking new Flock name....REESE....(if his finisher is called the "Peanut Butter Cup"....I'm quitting the Mop-Up and joining the Hare Krishnas).
-Heenan said about Reese, "He ain't no peanut butter cup"....I am seconds from quitting this and selling posies at airports.
-Ohh...I'm sorry...it's "Superstar" Scott Steiner..(White Thunder was considered too racist for the good folks who brought you two black brothers from Houston and called them "Harlem Heat")...
-The Nitro Girls..all wearing white...has Faarooq been notified of all this racism?
-scenes from a Nitro Party...the coolest living things there were the goldfish. There were a couple of guys seen with masks on....I'd have done the same thing.
-Rick Fuller comes to the ring...should I know this guy?
-I guess I shouldn't..Luger wastes him in less time that it takes to tell.
-Is Ray Traylor always being chased by Tornados?
-Kane and Bearer come out to the entrance way...Bearer has his sports jacket off, his shirt untucked, and smudges all over his body...(He looks like me after a $30 binge at Taco Bell).
-Doug Dillenger (whom I think may be the AntiChrist) leads security to break this up.
-He DID open things up by shrieking that Raven will be defending his newly won US belt against some Jewish man named Goldberg....who's he?
-The announcers get the hype machine up to full steam annoyance. Tenay goes so far as to claim that tonight has simply GOT to go down as a HISTORIC Monday Nitro....and we are only 8 minutes into it!!!!!!!!
-Well, for those WCW fans who always bitch about how Nitro is about WRESTLING and RAW is about SILLY ASS ANGLES...let me point out that it is precisely 8:30 p.m. It took them a whole 30 minutes to get to their first match...it better be good!
-aww crap! It's Konan..and he's fighting Chris Adams....bloody hell. Does anyone mind if I skip this one? You'd be lying if you said that you did.
-Jimmy Hart (looking more and more like a third rate record executive) brings out the Barbarian. (Somewhere in....Tonga? Meng is putting the TONGON DEATH GRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on his TV, screaming, "THIS IS MY PUSH YOU UGLY MOTHERFU&%$#@ C*&% S$^&**^$%". Unfortunately, the TV screen does not make for a good grip...Meng sat back down in his chair, thoroughly embarrassed with himself).
-Footage of Goldberg's win..Tenay points out that because of that match, and that match alone..this has GOT to be the BEST NITRO
EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Tony admonished us channel changers for switching away from the BEST NITRO
EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-spot for Slamboree...apparently, this show is going to be bigger than the Birth of Christ.
-In a pretty cool bit....Luger kept poking his head to the side of the Giant..who was
covering Luger from the camera by his sheer size. Finally, Luger jumped in front of the Giant and posed for the camera...both guys looked at each other, laughed, and slapped each other's back.....I haven't seen this much emotion in Luger in almost a YEAR. I'm SURE that Bischoff chewed them out backstage for having DARED try to have some fun during the show.....probably fined their asses too.
-Tony welcomed us to Auburn Hills, Michigan by calling this show the MOST POPULAR 3 HOUR WRESTLING PROGRAM ON TNT SHOWN TO THE WORLD!!!!!!!.....Way to hedge your bet Tony
-anywhoo, it's Reese and Horace Boulder (now just Horace...for obvious reasons) vs Juventud Guerrera and Van Hammer.....Van Hammer? WHY IS VAN HAMMER IN MY LIFE?? I DIDN'T ASK FOR HIM?? GET THIS GUY OFF MY SCREEN AND OUT OF MY F'K'N LIFE PLEASE!!!!
-Tony was totally flabbergasted at these developments...will somebody PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE PLEASE!!!!
-Hogan and Scott Steiner on the set of Hogan's new stinkbomb, "The Shadow Warriors" on TNT (Home of the New Classics). Carl Weathers (Lord....he died harder than Apollo in Rocky IV) was on hand to dutifully sell the notion that wrestlers were good actors.
-Goldberg hit the ring and Chavo attacked...Goldberg knocked him down and screamed, "NOT YET YOU MORON!!! I STILL HAVE TEN MORE FACIAL TICKS TO DO!!!!!!"
-So....the Pubes were taking on Humorous and the Barbarian in an "Anything Goes" match...so long as no blood is drawn and nobody REALLY gets hurt. Tony called it a "Long Island Street Fight", which is WILDLY different from a "Boston Street Fight", a "San Francisco Street Fight", a "Denver Street Fight", and a "Richmond Street Fight", but EXACTLY LIKE a "Philly Street Fight", a "Chicago Street fight", and a "Jacksonville
Street Fight".....since this is WCW....let's just call it a toned down version of a "Sesame Street Fight" and leave it at that.
-Moving along, Tenay interview one rather boisterous fellow in the crowd....when Tenay asked, "Is New York ready for Nitro?" The gentleman SCREAMED, "NEW YORK IS READY FOR NITRO!! THE RED AND BLACK ATTACK!!! DDP IS GONNA BE STING'S PARTNER!!! BAAAANG! YEEEEEEAAAAH!"... Ladies and gentlemen....in case you didn't know, that man was none other than Al Isaacs. You made it to the tube Boss..Good for you!!
-Ohh lucky us, the "Innovator of Anti-Heat" Kanyon, came to the ring to take on Sick Boy
-they took it to the backstage, and right up to the parking garage...Jericho finally broke free and ran up the ramp, flagging down a car for assistance....Malenko was about to give chase, but Doug Dillenger blocked him..and you don't mess with Dillenger.....you just don't........I'd say more, but I don't want to risk his attention........don't laugh, when the Millennium comes and the Dark Prince Dillenger assumes his rightful throne on the skulls of those who opposed his rise...then you'll see.....you'll see.
-Chris Adams took on the Giant. The Giant was more interested in smoking his butt (do what you will with that comment) that fighting Adams. Adams wouldn't quit though, at one point yelling, "DON'T IGNORE ME!!! I USED TO BEAT UP THE VON ERICHS!!!!!"). Then the Giant turned his attention on Adams....and the rest was history.
-Those Nitro Girls do their thing. The fun here is trying to figure out which one slept with Bischoff...and which one had to sleep with Lee Marshall (Show business is a cold, cold bitch).
-Horace comes out with a STOP sign (how ironic..since his family's hairline came to a complete STOP).
-By the way...Beefcake is smoking a big cigar...insert phallic symbol comment here.
-The announcers commented on just how wonderful the world as we know it will be once Page and Malone show up. Our food will taste better, our flowers will smell better, our sex will be better.
-backstage with Jericho and Ultimo...."You promise to tell me who this Madonna is, Gaijin I beat up Malenko San and you still no tell me!"
-Jericho, "Aw go crawl out of my ass Hong Kong Fooey!"
-Ultimo, "Hong Kong in China! Ultimo in Japan! You look like girl!"
-The Malenko came out and ended this nonsense by womanizing Jericho....and
not a moment too soon.
-Stevie Ray argued with Booker...eventually...I had to use my Webster's
HomeBoy Dictionary to sort it all out...
-One person who DOES worship Goldberg is the old woman who had a fake hip.
Well, the big old Jew laid one meaty palm on her hip and BLAMMO.....the fake
hip TURNED INTO BONE AND MARROW!!!! THE WOMAN REGREW A BRAND NEW HIP!!!!
-of course, she wasn't at her proper seat...so Dillenger threw her out of the building. Her other hip shattered on the impact.
-Tony, "Why would anybody go anyplace with Goldberg in the ring?" Easy..because Glacier was there too...
-next week, in Atlanta...Nitro is going to pull a show out of it's ass that will promise to alter the course of history and propel us into an alternate time line where Hogan is on Mount Rushmore, Vince is nuked out of his toupee, and Bischoff lords over us hapless morons as the tyrannical monarch that he was destined to be!!! Rivers will change directions, famine will end, John Lennon will be resurrected by Goldberg and change the lyrics to "Imagine" to "Imagine a world without Bischoff. It's impossible to try". YES FOLKS...NEXT WEEK'S NITRO WILL FOREVER BE HERALDED AS THE TURNING POINT OF THE COSMIC SCHEME AND BRING A NEW UNDERSTANDING OF THE MEANING OF LIFE.
-God will be there....and his name will be Hogan. The Black Jesus will be there too. The NWO Late Hour will be there. Both Hitler and Walt Disney left specific instructions to be awakened on July 6th, 1998 just so they could be a part of the Genesis. People will name their children "Nitro" after next week. Bischoffilism will be welcomed as a new religion. Racial prejudice will end (except in Canada...those bastards). And a new day will dawn...be there.
-Okay, in all seriousness. We all know that this was the Nitro that Bischoff HAD to make good. The ratings are sinking like a lead fart and TNT can NOT be too happy about it. Bischoff had to put ALL his creative energy into this week..(hohohoho....heheheheheheheheheeeee....snort....titter.......huh...huhhuhuhuh.....BWAHHHAAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA......creative energy.......HAHAHAAAA)
-When did Atlanta become the wrestling capital of the world? Did I miss a meeting? Has Dirty Dutch Mantel been informed?
-They kept on the Christchild known as Goldberg.....if they walked into our houses, jammed a gun in our face, and screamed, "WORSHIP HIM OR ELSE!!!!!!!"...it would have been more subtle.
-Booker T scored the win after Jericho came out and distracted Malenko. Afterwards, Booker laughed at all the white folks who wanted to "Raise the Roof".
-We see Goldberg doing pushups with chairs...why doesn't he just levitate?
-Scott Putski vs Scott Riggs (??????).....in a battle to find out exactly WHO GETS THE RIGHT TO BE THE ONLY JOBBER IN WCW NAMED SCOTT!!!!!!!!!!
-Seriously, the loser must change his name to "Melvin".
-Tony snuck in a quick reminder that this was the BIGGEST NITRO EVER!!!!
-Goldberg makes his way to the ring. Along the way, he sees an old man who clearly is senile.....Goldberg lays a gentle hand upon the old man's brow....suddenly, the Old man looks up at Goldberg, then looks around him with a smile..."I CAN THINK AGAIN!!" He cried..."Oh THANK YOU GOLDBERG!!! I can think clearly again!!!!!" Then the old guy looks around some more and says, "What the hell am I doing at a wrestling show? This is all fake!!!!!"
-Out comes Hogan....all alone. Along the way to the ring, he sees the old man who was just cured of his senility, laid HIS hands on the guy's head.....suddenly, the Old Man's eyes fogged up, he took off his pants, and run up and down the aisle screaming, "I AM THE KING OF ENGLAND!!!!!"
-Tony tells us unwashed retards who wouldn't know a good show if it crawled up our pants and bit us on the crank that we have just witnessed one for the ages. A spectacle unlike anything anyone has ever seen before. Then he told us to bow our heads in prayer for our "hero" (Damn..JUST as we were about to make a clean getaway...he boldy claims that Goldberg is my hero), Were I not exhausted, I would bitch.
-ah, y'see....I can't start on this or you'll be here for a good hour. I'll just leave this be by saying that the way Tony came to explaining how he figured it all out was downright PITIFUL. He "deduced" it.....give me a
break...who does he think he is? RALPH DIBNEY???
-Sean Shannon has more guts than any other web guy I have ever read.
-The Evil one...Doug Dillenger (who is the AntiChrist Dammit...he is the DARKCHYLD!!!!!!!!!) and his band of demon hoards wait outside Goldberg's locker room.
-Goldberg comes to the ring...along the way, he spots a Boy desperately trying to
write something on a blank sign. He gently lays his hands on the boy's and
smiles. Suddenly, the boy's hands open up and are once again flexible!!!
GOLDBERG HAS HEALED THE BOY FROM HIS SUFFERING OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME!!!!!!!! THE BOY CAN WRITE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The boy quickly writes "AUSTIN 3:16" on the sign...Goldberg spears the kid
so hard his gonads prematurely drop.
-Hey, 70% of all couples get the big D...and it's ALL THE KID'S FAULT!! THAT'S RIGHT..I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!! YOU BROKE UP YOUR PARENTS!!! YOU!! YOU, YOU, YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-THEN, the Giant picks up Bischoff and carries him.....later that night, Bischoff and the Giant played a spirited role playing game of "Richard Gere and the Gerbil"...you can guess the rest.
-Schiavone, "WHAT A MEGA NIGHT THIS IS GOING TO BE!!!!!".........sigh.......I keep screaming and screaming for someone to knock him out. I offer $50 AND oral gratification....and still..he walks uninjured among us....DO I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF????
-If you know Tony...or you are able to speak to him occasionally......let him know that I am DANGEROUSLY close to upping the ante and putting a BOUNTY out on the heads of his CHILDREN!!!! That's right Tony....now your KIDS may have to get involved in this....chew on THAT donut boy!!!
-UltimateWarrior, "History tells us Hogan, that a man's legacy is built on the premise that within his life, the moments lived, once lived, becomes a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently misplaced pieces of your history!!!" Now we know from whom Rick Scaia got his style from.
-The JEWEL of the WCW Crown (heh heh) walks down the aisle...along the way, he see's a young man in his early 20's walking around in small little circles.....he steadies the lad....talks with him for a moment...then lays a giant paw on his head.....Goldberg's face erupts in numerous ticks as a glow radiates from his hand...suddenly, the boy's eyes stop twirling...he stops resisting Goldberg....he looks up at the big guy and smiles...PRAISE
GODBERG!!!!! HE HAS CURED THE BOY OF HIS VERTIGO...HE NOW HAS A SENSE OF DIRECTION!!!!!!!! BLESS YOU GOLDBERG,. BLESS YOU, BLESS YOU, BLESS YOU!!!!!!
-The kid asks Goldberg for directions to Stamford so he could have WWF tryout. Goldberg speared him so hard he crapped his lower intestines all over Dillenger's shoes....the boy regained his vertigo t'boot.
-Liberals......feh
-out comes Hulk Hogan, Beefypoof, Lizbian, and of course...Uncle Eric....Hendrix starts to play.......the director decides to go "Scorcese" on our asses and follow them all the way from the car to the ring.....because of course...every step that Bischoff takes must be caught on film and every word he utters must be recorded so that others may follow in the future.
-Wrath also won with a Pump Handle/Powerslam combo......Tony brought all his knowledge and experience into play and called it a "Sidewalk Slam".
-Goldberg walks out and almost blows off the explosion....his face erupts into a billion facial ticks.....a young boy gestures to him with his hands...Goldberg shrugs him off....."Not now kid...RAW ain't on yet and I ain't wastin' my skills on you on free time!"....alas..the boy was deaf...but he COULD read lips...he broke out in silent tears....
-Tony and the kids kept asking for someone to check out the "Weather Channel"...because the MIRACLE of Nash and Goldberg agreeing to team up simply HAD to result in one of the Oceans being parted.
-Tony...the WHITEST guy in Chicago at that point...with Bischoff and Dillon running a TIGHT second and third...interjected by saying that JJ made Booker the #1 contender for the US title...even though Booker's return was a TOTAL SHOCK to Tony just 10 seconds ago....(you know....sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry)
-Stevie flipped and blamed the white man for keeping them down...Booker ignored him and promised to "raise the roof on this mutha" and take care of Bret Hart....when did Spike Lee start writing these scripts?
-Rick Fuller comes out...Fuller piss and vinegar
-Scott Norton's tongue comes out with Vincent
-Scott Norton comes out...full of beer
-Why is Norton called "Flash"? Is it an inside joke? Like calling a fat guy "Slim?" Or a dumb guy "Genius"? Or Hyatte "Talented"?
-Norton won.....his tongue lost by DQ...go figure
-The face off between Goldberg and Nash from earlier is replayed.....word has it a young girl in Jerusalem had a conversation with a burning bush AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!!!!!!
-Lex Luthor came out to bring his unique brand of corporate evil to antagonize Superm......whoops...it's LUGER...not LUTHOR
-This was a LOOOOOONG match..which is GOOD for you DIE HARD LUGER AND CRUSH FANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (of course..the rest of us were in dreadful pain.)
-If Tony walks out of Chicago with all his teeth intact...then Chicago must be filled with nothing but FAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The light come back on and the smoke clears...no Warrior. Tony's jaw hits the table....the Big Mac he was eating follows suit.
-The lights dim again and the Warrior signal shines brightly in the sky......obviously, the Warrior had to go back to Gotham and stop the Penguin from rigging the Mayoral Election.
-Why in all Hell am I wearing a condom right now?
-Hmm, long winded, pointless, unnecessary... the Ultimate Warrior could be a writer for the NWWWO.
-We also see Mark Magwire rub Goldberg with his wood.
-And now...let us take a moment to ponder that last sentence...and all the implications therein.
-Norman Smiley comes out......and I'll be damned...he is actually SMILING!!!
He sells his soul by announcing that this is where the "Big Boys play".....uh oh, a
black guy Uncle Tomming out and calling himself a "boy"? (Bobby Walker heard that...and added about 12 new charges to his lawsuit against WCW....I hope he soaks those bastards for all they're WORTH!!!!!!! YOU GO BOBBY!!!! TAKE IT TO THE MAN!!!!!!!)
-By the way...Tony made it official and said that EVERY SINGLE COLLEGE
CAMPUS IN THE WORLD watches Nitro and Nitro alone......RAW is apparently for High school dropouts and Prison inmates
-Gene tells AC Jazz that Larry Z said hi.......AC made a dumb face.....which is kinda redundant.
-Konnan comes out as Bobby Heenan joins the fun. Marty Jannetty comes out
sporting a SNAZZY new haircut and some new attire...(Ohh, so it was the HAIR and OUTFIT that kept him down while HBK became a superstar...IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!!!! BISCHOFF IS A GENIUS!!!!!!!)
-by the way...the match ran about...oh I'd say around 8 minutes.....5 of those minutes were rest holds. Out of those 8 minutes...Tony and the boys spent a WHOPPING 90 seconds calling the match. The other 6 and a half involved explaining to us how RAW isn't on the air this week because they didn't want to go up against the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-You know...I've seen clowns, giant birds, IRS agents, repossession men, Outback Jacks,
Hillbillies, idiot football players, Crow wannabes, Dudes with Attitudes, Bischoff in the
ring, Leno, the NWO Nightcap with Eric Bischoff, fake Razor Ramons, Fake Diesals, Ze
Gangstas, Final Solutions, grown men acting like a rooster, AND NWO Souled Out.......but nothing....and I mean NOTHING has made me feel like this segment has made me feel. I have NO CLUE why Saturn is following Lodi...I have NO CLUE why Kanyon is now with Raven......I have NO CLUE when ANY of this took place...and you know what? I DON'T CARE EITHER!!!!!! Usually, I am at least CURIOUS as to wear an angle may go...like Ernest Miller for instance...I may not give a crap..but I am curious....but for this.....I simply have no desire to see where this leads..not one shred.
-You know...Page is like "Fruitopia".......a carefully conceived, well thought out, corporate "rebel who plays by his own rules"...I'm not knocking him really...just pointing out a fact.
-Out comes Buff Bagwell.....dressed as a Rastafarian....they should have put black face on him.....because screw it, when you go down, you go down in FLAMES!!!!!!!
-Meanwhile...Bobby Walker saw this and his eyes lit up with dollar signs.
-Meanwhile...Bobby Walker's attorneys saw this and broke out the champagne.
-Meanwhile...Turner Sports Lawyers saw this and ran....nay...SPRINTED to the phones.....one of them went into cardiac arrest.
-Meanwhile, the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ was at home embroiled in a good
book.
-Nitro must be ending soon...because Gene announced that it was FINALLY "party time".
-Goldberg comes to the ring....along the way he spots a young man in his teens looking
depressed.....he wanders over to the kid and asks what his problem was...the kid said that
he spent his WHOLE summer allowance on a ticket to the show...and the show ends up
sucking.....the kid started to cry.
-Goldberg laid a giant paw on the kid's face and lifted his eyes up to meet his own....the
kid looked up and Goldberg said, "Sorry kid.....even I can't save this piece of crap show tonight"...then he told a nearby security guard to sell the kid a Goldberg shirt at 5%
off...just to show what a good hearted capitalist he is...
-The kid beamed and asked, "Can I have a Goldberg Sucks/Austin Rules" shirt? Goldberg kicked the kid in the groin so hard that he suddenly had the number of Adam's Apple's in his throat suddenly tripled.
-90% of the Internet....scattering like roaches when the lights come on.
-Bischoff starts calling for Dillenger.....Dillenger was nowhere to be found...he was too busy readying the seeds of Black Seduction so when it's time for the Ascension of the Unholy, the Dark Chyld Dillenger will be able to CORRUPT AND SEIZE THE UNWASHED MASSES AND TAKE HIS RIGHTFUL THRONE AS THE PLANET IS
HURTLED INTO THE VAST COLDNESS OF DAMNATION!!!!!!!
-Either that or he was having a cigarette.
-Then the Booty Man was seen looking under the ring...only HE was looking for his eyeball.....it kinda popped out and rolled underneath the ring....(now you know why you
can't hit his face)
-Tony and the boys officially say hello....Larry does his thing. Tony looks around
nervously as he tells us the Warrior is "everywhere and nowhere at the same time..and
it's downright SPOOKY...but it's okay fans, because the Warrior fights for the side of
WCW!!! The side of GOOD, the side of JUST, the side of ALL THINGS THAT ARE
RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!!!!! (In other words, Patterson better be biting his pillow
tonight out of FEAR...and not out of pleasure.......I think I have reached a brand new low).
-The Nitro Girls are in the ring....Tony calls them, "drop dead gorgeous".....but Tony
hasn't been laid in over 4 years.
-Nash hit the ring with a handy mic. He told Page that he has been invited into the "elitist group in professional wrestling history"....and if he isn't in Nash's "foxhole" (dug by Pat Patterson a few years ago.....for those who need a Pat joke or two in EVERY Mop-Up) then he is in.....well, you know the rest.
-Piper opens his mouth and makes a "hip" reference on how Hogan looks like ET: the
Extra Terrestrial.
-Zbyszko, "I think that Fyre can melt the North Pole." I think Larry's South Pole is seeking ex-wife number 5.....and that ain't snow it's spitting out.
-Lenny Lane (Who's parents almost named, "Bobtopus Garden") came to the ring to take
on Wrath..
-Stevie Ray called Hart a "sucka" about 5 times as he walked to the ring.....a personal best.
-On his way to the ring, Guerrera looked at the camera and said, "Who's gonna get the
JEWS???" WHAAA? Why the HELL would Juventud want ANYONE to get the Jews?What did they ever do to HIM??? Get the JEWS?? I don't get it? Does that mean that
Juvee is into (EDITED BY SCOOPS BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE
TROUBLE AND HYATTE BETTER CEASE THIS LINE OF COMMENTARY
BEFORE WE BRING IN ZIMMERMAN TO REPLACE HIS FAT ASS)
-Hennig said that Malenko wants to be a Horseman so bad that, "He doesn't
know which end of the horse he wants to be" (I got dibs on the groin area...just
so I can say that I'm hung like a horse)
-Rumor has it that Bischoff docked all three men a month's pay. Just to let you know, the
rumor was NOT STARTED by Al Isaacs.
-The Cat grabs the mic and started to PREACH about how great he was.....going so far as to start dancing and challenging anyone to get out there and take him out.....and My Word...was that Boy PREACHING!!!!! He sounded like Jesse Jackson on crack.
-Not that I ever HEARD Jesse Jackson on crack...in fact, as far as I know...the good
Reverend has never done drugs of ANY kind. From what I understand, Jackson is a fine,
good hearted, morally just, UPSTANDING citizen of the United States, and perhaps the
World.
-Which does NOT stop Ernest Miller from sounding like Jesse Jackson on crack.
-Bobby Heenan joins the fun as Trumpets played seemingly from the Heavens!
-Wait a second......trumpets from the Heavens?????
-Oh my God...the Bible was right??? IT'S THE RAPTURE!!! IT'S THE RAPTURE!!!!!!! GOD IS BRINGING UP ALL THE GOOD SOULS!!! DILLENGER'S UNHOLY CRUSADE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!!!! GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR MERCY PEOPLE!!!!! BECAUSE GOD IS BRINGING ONLY HIS MOST LOYAL FOLLOWERS HOME TO THE PROMISE LAND!!!! OH TAKE ME LORD...TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME!!!!!
-Then Chris Adams comes out.....(Chris Adams is God???? Didn't see that one coming!
Bible didn't say anything about that! A BRIT? No shit.)
-the Nitro Girls get ANOTHER video dedicated to them....Kimberly must do WONDERS
with her mouth.
-Jericho tried to put Neidhart in the Lion Tamer...much like 5 of my 6 ex girlfriends, Jimmy wouldn't flip over.
-The fans exploded, Heenan exploded, Tenay took a gulp from his flask, Tony shrieked,
"WHAT A MOMENT IN PRO WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY MY CHILDREN'S EYES, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT THIS IS THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-on his way to the ring, a middle aged woman in a wheelchair signaled to him...Goldberg
ignored her.....it was Labor Day after all.
-Think about it..Goldberg has been wrestling for one year....Rock has been at it only one year longer..and HE has never been accused of ripping someone off.
-Tony’s collar is loosened.......the Eternal Struggle between Flesh and Cloth continues
-Oh yeah, apparently, the “brothas and the sistas in da hood”...refer to Hogan as “Wood”.....funny, the only time I’ve been to “da’ hood” I was referred to as “muthafu**a”.
-I guess those “WOOD” t-shirts are on their way, because Hogan called himself by that name 21 times in the space of 45 seconds. We are now ordered to call Hogan “Wood” people, so get to it.....you heard me ...you must now call him Wood.....(HEY, YOU....DON’T ARGUE WITH ME OR WCW!!! YOU BETTER START CALLING HIM WOOD, BUDDY!! God Damn freethinkers...I hate ‘em)
-opening theme (Christ, I’m already exhausted)
-A Luchador in a mask took on another Luchador in a mask......the Luchador in the mask won. (You have no idea how much I love that line...and it pisses everyone off)
-For the first time ever in Mop-Up HISTORY....and just because even I was stunned by the stupidity here....I am going to cover this match BLOW BY F’K’N BLOW!!! Sick Boy’s punches land no where near Beefcrack’s face, but still manage to drive him into the corner. Sick Boy suplexes Disciple, Disciple stands right up, makes a face, and poses. Then Sick Boy turned around...so Beefcake repeated the move for him. Sick Boy gives him a knee in the mid section and starts punching Disciple on the head but well away from the face.
-Meanwhile, Tony calls Hogan/Hart for later tonight a PRO WRESTLING DREAM MATCH THAT EACH AND EVERY WRESTLING FAN HAS WANTED TO SEE EVER SINCE WE WERE OLD ENOUGH TO USE THE TOILET BY OURSELVES!!!!
-Sick Boy knees Beefcake again, then whip snaps him to the ground and starts to choke him. The ref makes the count. Beefcake grabs Sick Boy’s throat and.....oh hell....I can’t take this anymore.
-Nevermind, forget it..I can’t call play by plays...I’m sorry...I just can’t. All you need to know is that Beefcock refused to sell ANYTHING Sick Boy gave him...and to beat his chest and scream. Hell, Beefcake sucked at selling his own moves too...case in point: that “Apocalypse” Stunner...maybe the EASIEST move in the world, yet he is so awkward with it.
-Jesus H. Christ......people actually cheered for him after he won!! What is the matter with you people anyway???
-So, what did we learn today?....Beefcake sucks, the Barber is an idiot, Brother Brutii is a fag, The Butcher is a homo, the Booty man has absolutely no ability to come up with his own gimmick, and the Disciple sucks....that about cover it?
-Tony and the boys are talking to us. Tony says that the news of Hogan/Hart have had all the WCW crew members hopping around like jackrabbits (untrue...they were hopping around because one of the Nitro Girls found out that she had the crabs a wee bit too late).
-Miller won...since he’s following the characterization of a certain former heavyweight champion boxer..how long before he changes his name? How about Kareem Inmycoffee?
-Then the camera panned to some out of the rinside area fans..and one dude, as bright as day, held up a sign that read, “HYATTE IS DILLENGER’S LOVE CHILD”
-Hyatte is Dillenger’s Love Child? What does that guy know?
-Oh man..that felt good. Thanks guys....if I ever see you in person I’ll either buy you a beer or blow ya...you can choose.
-In a nutshell, Bischoff had the cops escort the Horsemen out of the building......Dillenger was involved quite simply because it’s almost time for the UnBlessed Harvest of the Dark Spores...and the AntiChrist must start presenting the proper image of himself in order for the masses to accept him all the more easily...then he can assume his rightful place on the Throne of Babel and bring the Reign of the Seven down upon the unfortunate chattel. WHAT? DID YOU THINK I WAS KIDDING? DID YOU THINK THIS WAS SIMPLY RECYCLED CRAP?????? I AM THE ONLY THING THAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY BETWEEN HEAVEN AND THE BLACK SON’S UNGODLY PLANS!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES BY SENDING ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!
-Hyatte is Dillenger’s Lovechild...sh’yeah right
-The Horsemen walked away with their tails tucked between their legs....Tully would have NEVER put up with this.
-Jericho was led to the ring from his dressing room by his two security guards....along the way, he called Goldberg “jerky”.....way to go Sizzle Chest!
-along the way, GOLDBERG (happy now?) spotted a middle aged man with a mechanical arm.....wanting to get this nonsense over with, Goldberg quickly went over to him, pulled off the prosthetic and laid a meaty paw on his shoulder.....his blind eye started to glow and his face broke out in a rage of ticks...suddenly, an arm GREW OUT OF THE MAN’S SHOULDER AND BECAME A FULLY ACTIVE APPENDAGE WITH JOINTS, HANDS AND FINGER!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE!!!! GOLDBERG HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-With BOTH arms, the middle aged man gave Goldberg the crotch chop and told him to “Suck It”..... Goldberg tore off BOTH his arms, BOTH his legs, AND his pee pee for good measure!!!! The ungrateful rat bastard!!!
-Tony and Tenay will NOT STOP THE GODDAM HYPE FOR THIS FU&**%$ THING!!! WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-opens with a shot of Curt (Uh oh, stubbed my toe...there goes the knee) Hennig and Barry (I’ll job to Johnny Swinger...I don’t care...just don’t make me the Stalker again) Windham, planning and plotting about some mid card nonsense.
-Tony readies us for some upcoming footage. “Be prepared!” Tony admonishes, “for what possibly could be the SICKEST, MOST DISGUSTING SIGHT EVER RECORDED ON TAPE INN TELEVISION HISTORY!!!!”
-We see the Nitro Girls rehearsing........My GOD!!! TONY’S RIGHT!!! IT IS SICK!!!!!
-Tony had barely enough time to call Kimberly’s bump THE SICKEST, MOST BRUTAL THING HE HAS EVER SEEN IN ALL HIS YEARS OF WATCHING THIS GREAT SPORT OF OURS!!!!! Then he called Mick Foley a pussy.
-Konnan sent a “shout out” to “DJ Quick”..........I have never been so happy to be white as I am right now.
-Then Konnan said something about robbing banks, thug life, yo yo yo-ing, and...and....I honestly can’t tell you...I must be getting old, it all went over my head.....why can’t he just do the “Moonwalk” and be done with it?
-In the end, they challenge Luger and Nash to a “Mask vs Hair” match at Superbrawl....Rey’s mask vs the hair of either Nash, Luger, or even Elizabeth.......if Konnan loses, he has turn himself into INS.
-The Nitro Girls, DESPITE the trauma that they went through earlier tonight, DESPITE the loss of one of their own, DESPITE their lack of co-ordination...put smiles on their faces and DANCE through their pain...GOD BLESS THOSE KIDS!!!! DO IT FOR KIMBERLY!!!!
-I heard Kimberly will be gone for a few weeks....anyone else thinking facelift?
-Only in wrestling would getting hit on the back be enough to knock someone out.....unless it’s “Star Trek” and Admiral Decker is beating up some red shirt.....(remember Matt, Vulcan’s NEVER bluff)
-Before the bell, Windham started to lecture Benoit on tradition.....Benoit cooly reminded “BW” that he is currently humping “Woman”......Windham was left speechless....after all, humping Woman is as traditional as it gets.
-Benoit winning a WCW belt on nationwide TV is about as believable as Patterson reading an issue of “Playboy” and getting a hardon...
-By the way, I want to thank all of you who voted for me in Dave Gagnon’s 411 Internet Wrestling Writer tournament.....I won the whole thing.....beating NoSoul, BOTH Wrestlemaniacs, and even the HOST of the tourney himself. Needless to say, I am blown away. Thank you all......not that you had any other choice......I AM the King after all.
-I, of course, look like Brad Pitt with a 9 inch pecker.......ahem
-Outside, we see JJ Dillon trying to dunk Bischoff. Even though he is standing about 5 feet away from the target, “Rocket” Dillon can’t seem to get his balls in the hole... (oddly enough, that is pretty much the reason why I can’t keep a girlfriend either).
-A white man breaking up a dispute between two black men??? SOMEONE CALL BILL COSBY!!!!!!
-Stevie Ray, Crush, Norton, and Horace discovered a set of “Ho’s” waiting for them in their locker room.....I wonder what Bob Ryder has to say about that?
-What? Will I be edited for THAT???? IT WAS A SIMPLE, NON OFFENSIVE...NON LITIGIOUS QUESTION!!!!!!!!! WILL SOMEBODY GROW A SET OF BALLS OVER HERE PLEASE????? JESUS CHRIST ALLMIGHTY!!!!!!!!
-Gene dumbly asks Flair how Benoit is doing after Hogan whipped the Canadian Crap out of him last week......(wanna know the difference between American crap and Canadian crap?? There is NONE!! Because we are all human beings made out of the same basic components....it sickens me that people feel the need to generalize other people simply based on race, color, creed, or nationality. We are ALL on this crazy blue orb called Earth and we had BEST START LEARNING TO GET ALONG!!!!! DAMN YOU PEOPLE!!!! BLATANT RACIAL STEREOTYPES WILL NOT BE A PART OF THE NEW MOP-UP 99........I GUARANTEE !!! )
-Hey, how about those Jews huh? Why do they have to own EVERYTHING??
-Just a reminder, if Ted Turner had his way....the SOUTH would have won the Civil War and ALL the white people would own slaves. That is NOT me saying this..this is common sense. I do NOT support slavery of ANY KIND... (nor does SCOOPS....I think......never really asked them about it......subject never came up really.)
-HEY!!!!! I am the ID of SCOOPS....F-you
-Ahhh....one GOOD thing about a 3 hour Nitro? We get Kenny Kaos against Van Hammer!!!!!
-Why is that good you ask??
-Easy, because I get to IGNORE IT!!!!!!
-somewhere in America, Kevin J. Podiatrist (like I know how it’s spelled for real) heard that, took his printed copies of the Mop-Up....burned them...and started to scream ream, “AMEN BROTHER..SPEAK FOR ALL OF US....I STARTED THE IDEA OF A HUMOROUS RECAP!!!! HYATTE SUCKS, HYATTE SUCKS, HYATTE SUCKS!!!!!!! Yeah, okay pal, you haven’t produced anything in years.....just sit back and keep your mouth shut as I show you how it’s done....and be thankful that I finally decided to put your name in here.....even though nobody remembers you
-Referee Scott Dickinson tries his hand at Bischoff’s Dunking Booth....he looks like every geek ass father in the world who never picked up a baseball in his life until his son reached the age of 7.
-So Vincent went out and told Disco Inferno to do what he was ordered to do by Nash .....isn’t this sort of how the Vietnam Conflict got started?
-Along his way to the ring, Goldberg spotted a man, well in his 30’s, looking desperate..he lumbered over to the gentleman and quizzically asked what was wrong....the man said that he lost his job as a City contractor 6 months ago, and since his unemployment was running out, he was growing very nervous about being able to feed his family and pay his mortgage.....Goldberg smiled, laid a big paw over his his..and started to concentrate. A BILLION facial ticks exploded on his face...the man gasped, he shimmered, he did the hippy hippy shake......
-Then Goldberg took his hand away...the man looked at Goldberg, then looked down....dropping out of his overstuffed pockets like fish and bread out of a basket was dozens and dozens of HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!!!!!! GOLDBERG CREATED MONEY OUT OF THIN AIR AND GAVE THE MAN ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!!!!!! THE ALL MIGHTY HEBREW HAD DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS GOLDBERG!!!!!! GOD BLESS THAT DARN JEW!!!!!!!
-The man started to pick up the money. He screamed, “OH THANK YOU GOVERNOR VENTURA!!!!!!! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT MEDICARE????” Goldberg stared at the man for am second.....twisted his mouth into a sneer, and HAMMERED the man on top of his head so hard that he was FORCED into the concrete up to his waist.....rat bastard...GOLDBERG is the ORIGINAL bald man with a mustache...butthead should learn his wrestlers before he opens his mouth again....
-Oh yes, Goldberg also collected all the money he created for the man and pocketed it....he IS Jewish after all.
to be continued next week.... things get worse